Feelings Are Not Facts

Feelings are Not Facts (thanks to my aunt Hilda for that brilliant phrase)

My course on life skills is going really well. The most recent module was about negative thoughts and how it's possible to confront them immediately before they can overwhelm you. 

There was a choice to do the course online, but I was advised that it would be better to do the course in person. I was more than a bit reluctant. 

I felt it would be much easier to do the course remotely. I wouldn't have to worry about meeting new people or be in a group when there might be some judgment. 

This is an example of the negative thoughts that can arise and that we have to deal with. Your mind can run away with you, especially if you're not in great form. You start thinking the worst. 

The tendency to get trapped in a series of negative thoughts that start  from a young age. Over time, It's possible for those negative thoughts to become a belief system. 

Little things like dropping the ball when I played rugby. I felt that I was no good. That the others would laugh. The coach would yell and kick me off the team. 

This would lead to me been more reluctant to turn up to training. Why put myself through that kind of embarrassment?

As I got older, I would be more reluctant to join social situations. What if people didn't like me? What if I said something stupid and they made fun of me? 

I would start thinking that I was unlikeable, that I had no friends. Things like that. They can build up over time. 

It's interesting as well that we can be our own worst enemy. That we're far more likely to be kinder to others than to ourselves. That if a friend makes a mistake or feels bad that we will try to encourage rather than attack them, like we would ourselves. 

Why would we be so hard on ourselves? What is wrong with us? How can we get other people to like us when we don't like ourselves? I've found that one of the best things about doing this course in a group is that you realise that you're not the only one who goes through these difficulties. 

Most people can go through moments when they will attack themselves, berate themselves for little mistakes or bully themselves for minor things. 

Again, the negative thoughts can be the start of a vicious cycle which leads to negative feelings that can have an affect on the body and lead tto negative behaviour. Like dropping the ball at rugby. You start to feel embarrassed, you're more likely to continue making mistakes. You stop going. 

Things would happen to me growing up. I would make silly mistakes or comments, or be worried that I might. That would lead me to been  reluctant to meet other people for fear it would continue to happen. I started to think that nobody liked me and grew reluctant to spend anytime with anyone other than myself. 

Sometimes it felt better not to bother trying to do things or meet new people to avoid the chance that it would lead to more embarrassment. It can be difficult to get out of thinking like that. When things don't go your way it can confirm the bad thoughts. 

It can be difficult to ignore the bad thoughts, but not impossible. It's a matter of changing perspective and habits. When you feel low, the bad thoughts are stronger and can have a worse effect on you. Better to deal with them before they get out of hand. 

When you start to think bad thoughts you should try to label them for what they are, and then leave it. Don't give them time to fester. Just say to yourself: no, that's a bad thought. It's not helpful. It's not reality, it's just that I'm in a low mood. 

You can also confront the negative thought. Stand up to it, like you would a bully. Most bullies will back down when you stand up to them. The same with negative thoughts (it takes some practise, though). Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is also about helping you do fight the negative thoughts. 

Say, for example, you drop the ball. Your negative thoughts say that you're a bad player, you're useless, no one will want to play with you, don't bother. 

But no, you say 'wait. I'm not a bad player. Dropping one ball, doesn't make you a bad player. Anyone can drop a ball. Just pick it up and get on with it. 

It's a cliche but it's true. It doesn't matter how many times you fall, it's about getting back up again. I have a clear memory of a training session back in school. I was making mistakes and feeling like a failure, but I said no. I won't put my head down, I won't let it get to me. I'll continue on. And things did improve. 

I remember that at the end of the session our coach, who was not ready with compliments or words of encouragement, noticed my change and pointed it out as an example to emulate. 

Also, it's important to be kind to yourself. If you saw someone struggling, you would want to help them. So why not help yourself. If you're going to listen to the negative voice, you should listen to the positive voice. Nobody is perfect, everybody is trying, you deserve to feel good about yourself.